From Frumpy to Fabulous

What a marvelous transformation! Guinevere Ecclescake was suffering from a severe case of the dulls, dressing as though it was the 1800′s and scaring small children with her goblinesque features. Tell us what you did, Filamena…

 Well Polonius,  the key here was hiding the bad parts and accentuating the good. Let’s just say this makeover was mostly about concealment. A floppy hat to cover that strangely half-bald pate and rein in those ears, not to mention casting a shadow on that complexion. And giant sunglasses to mask as much of the face as possible. I had already selected the suit before I realized what a hairy chest Miss Ecclescake had, so the scarf was a last minute addition, but I think it looks simply marvolous!

Guinevere Ecclescake: Charity Makeover

Oh my eye, eye, eyes!

We at the Institute believe in the importance of charitable acts, which is why we are constantly inviting aspiring members to send in their pictures for our critique. And then, even though it stings our eyes and infuriates our good taste, we the board go through the lot and select the saddest sack of the week. And here she is Ladies and Gentlemen, Mrs. Guinevere Ecclescake of Antananarivo, Madagascar.

Now we all know that Aye Ayes are notorious for their poor sense of style, but this is more of an Aye Aye Aye! Those patterns are like oil and water, the dress adds at least 20 pounds (that’s double your weight Guinevere) and that dress colour does dastardly things to your skin tone.

Never fear, Guinevere, we’ve set course for Madagascar and should be there in time for dinner tomorrow!

Kooky Winters: Resident Elvis Impersonator

A Big Hunk O' Love

Appearing at the Institute Nightery tonight, and every night starting with M, T, W or S, Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Kooky Winters!!!!

I happened across Mr. Winters 10 years ago at my favorite gin joint in Pahrump Nevada. On a side note, may I take a moment to highly recommend Pahrump as your next vacation destination. “The Heart of the New Old West” is not only the former home of Michael Jackson but the current home of historic Chicken Ranch, a brothel surpassed only by those in the Mound House region. Not that I would know anything about that!

Luckily Kooky was down on his luck, and for the price of a Whisky Sour and a pack of Kools I was able to secure him on an exclusive 20 year contract with the Institute.

I do hope he plays Queenie Wahine’s Papaya tonight, his rendition is impeccable.

Filamena Finklestein

Greyhound is the new Black

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased as punch to introduce you to Filamena Finklestein, Institute stylist.

Let me tell you, Filamena is one super stylish bitch. She is not simply a stylist to the stars but a stylist to the stylists to the stars. Rachel Zoe was once her prized apprentice. That is til Zoe tried to use Filamena to accessorize an over sized Vuitton and Filamena pretended to mistake Rachel’s face for her favorite chew toy.

Lady Petunia Petalsworth

Mahvalous frock darling

I am often asked how the Institute can afford such a lavish headquarters, replete with motorized island, and manage to keep its board members so flawlessly styled -- without producing a single saleable product or service. Well, I do have plans for a line of couture destined to make Lagerfeld swallow his fan, but until then allow me to introduce you to Lady Petunia Petalsworth: Benefactor of the Board!

Lady Petunia is the heir of the famed Petalsworth LSD fortune, and her hallucinogenic instincts surely have a great influence on her fashion. Here, LPP is modelling a Bjorn Flugelhorn original. Tres Magnifique!

Diablo Jones

Now that's Smooth Flavour!

Diablo Jones is so cool that one must don cashmere knitwear just to get close to him. One part gigolo, one part lounge singer, one part prosimian, Diablo is one whole package o’ class.

Diablo is currently in charge of the curriculum for the Institute’s School of Elan and Pizazz (I have an honorary doctorate from this esteemed establishment.)

Andelora Dulliswinkle

Never call her stocky...

Reader, these are not pock marks you see on my proboscis, they are the scars I bear for a loose tongue.

You see, I had already had several sips of sherry at Ginny’s Little Longhorn Saloon in Austin Texas when Andelora sauntered up to the bar. It was not a pretty sight. She was wearing a trucker/hipster fiasco on her head with a rude picture of a cat and a mouse. And no pants. I happened to mention to her that she bore a striking resemblance to legendary linebacker Dick Butkus. Sometimes the truth is much more painful than fiction.

How on earth could such a brute be on the board, you ask? Think of it as muzzle money.

Laboratory 1A

Laboratory 1 A... where the magic happens.

Not that I could ever tire of introducing the lovely members of the board… Oh who am I kidding? So let’s take a break from that nonsense and stop to admire one of my top 60 rooms at Institute Headquarters: Laboratory 1A. The majesty of science leaves me with a drippy proboscis. Does anyone have a hanky handy?

Ellery Fantina

Stuck a feather in his cap...

 Introducing Ellery Fantina, Institute treasurer and bitch slapper-upper.

I was first privileged to make Ellery Fantina’s acquaintance at a party thrown by one Liza Minnelli of Hoboken, New Jersey. While his manner did not initially charm me — he tried to sell me a well-aged mackerel from the inside pocket of his blazer — his stunning sense of fashion won me over immediately.

As I always say: When in doubt add feathers and fun! Ellery takes this maxim to the maximum. Whatever you do, try not to view Ellery in bright sunshine, his bells and baubles and accoutrements all reflect light in different directions, an effect that can cause severe retinal scarring on those wearing cheapo gas station sunglasses (I’m looking at you reader! Looking at you through my new Tom Ford Jacks!).

Yes, Ellery is best suited to candlelit cocktail bars, especially those with a piano player that knows how to sing Misty in Swedish.

Bjorn Flugelhorn

It takes a real man to pull off a knitted one piece.

Bjorn Flugelhorn is never more than a snowball’s throw away from the action! He’s humped the legs of the aristocratic and Rock N’ Roll elite from Studio 54 to Bungalow 8 and he still doesn’t look a day over 4 years old (which is more than I can say about some people… Lindsay…).

Don’t let the snowsuit fool you, Bjorn hasn’t seen the great outdoors in over 24 years. He is purveyed to his appearances in a small pink-velvet-lined wheeled box, pulled by his faithful miniature pig, Jurmaine. The lid is not to be lifted until he is securely settled in a dark corner with a Harvey Wallbanger ready to sip.

Bjorn Flugelhorn is responsible for the facial upkeep of all board members as well as organising the guestlist for the annual Hosiery Hop in the Institute’s gymnasium.

Miss Shi Shi LaRue

Shi Shi is pronounced Chi Chi for a reason.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to Miss Shi Shi LaRue, the Institute's very own mistress of style!

Shi Shi has a penchant for Pucci, an affinity for Armani, a hunger for Halston and a hatful of disdain for the House of Dereon. She still appreciates Beyonce's prodigious pipes though.

Alas no one has ever put a ring on it, and Shi Shi still lives alone with her pet hamster, Gregor.

Institute Headquarters, Undisclosed Location

Institute of Animal Haberdashery and General Fanciness Headquarters

Welcome to Institute Headquarters! Currently floating in an undisclosed location near you! Why the secrecy? Well to keep the rif raf out of course! And also because we have no thingamajig for determining such information.

You see, although the Institute may appear to be firmly planted on an island, it is an illusion. Beneath those rolling grassy hills is actually a giant motor which when revved up will power our headquarters anywhere there is water. This allows us to tend to fashion emergencies from Greenland to Antarctica and everywhere in between (I prefer the in-between, I can't stand a frosty proboscis!).

And that's not all! Along with a motor those hills contain all of the Institute's laboratories and testing centres... be sure to come back soon for a tour!

Welcome to the Institute!

Don't distress, it has taken years to perfect this look.

Greetings! I am Polonius H. Probiscus the Seventeenth, Presiding Head of the Board of the Directors of the Institute of Animal Haberdashery and General Fanciness.

I know, it is a big mouthful.
 That's what she said.

I digress. Welcome to the inaugural post of the all new Fancy Schmancy Blog of the IOAHAGF, or as we closest to it say: I-Owe-A-Hag-FFFFFF. For those of you unfamiliar with our institute I welcome you, and question where the hell you have been. It is difficult, when running such a grandiose institute as this one, to know what to show the un-indoctrinated masses first. But let us not dwindle on introductions, let's take a tour through the hallowed halls of the institute.