Australian Odyssey: The Penguin Parade

Nothing like a God-given tuxedo paired with a fancy hat!

We at the Institute are currently docked Down Under. So far, our Australian Odyssey has been one Bacchanalian bonanza after another. Don't fret, we are snapping lots of pictures.


Having moored in Melbourne, our first stop on our journey was the Phillip Island Penguin Parade where we were greeted with a fanfare unknown to Queen Elizabeth II herself (or so I posit). The entire park was closed to the rif raf for the evening so that our feathered friends could exhibit their very particular flair for haberdashery. The over the top spectacle left us with no doubt as to why these are called Fairy Penguins!

The Past was Beautiful!

Founding Members of The Institute of Animal Haberdashery

Ladies and Gentlemen, the last few days I have become obsessed with the past (a condition brought on by an Australian internet connection, the butterchurn of broadband). I have unearthed for your ocular satisfaction the only known image of the founding members of The Institute of Animal Haberdashery and General Fanciness.

What a splendid looking bunch!!!

Stinky Winkerbean

What is that smell?

How to explain the living and breathing bouquet that is Stinky Winkerbean? Let’s start with a base of curdled milk and pig’s droppings. Next we’ll add a few undertones: sneakers worn sockless, day-old scotch breath and a six-week-worn plaster cast. A top-note of doritos and a hint of vanilla and there you have it. The essence of a mad man.

The concept of taking minutes during board meetings was invented for members of Mr. Winkerbean’s ilk. He can keep up to date on motions without the risk of being inhaled.

Winkerbean lives in a well-ventilated room at the back of the Institute. No one has ever dared visit him. He is used primarily for testing new fragrances on. If you can smell them over his stench, they must be perfectly potent.

Tonight at The Nightery: Kid n’ Hay!

Masters of the Barnyard Beat

Tonight at the Institute Nightery we are ecstatic to welcome legendary duo, Kid n’ Hay.

Don’t let their Yo MTV Raps! style fool you, these guys are straight-up adult contemporary all the way. Just the way I love it.

In fact, I once saw Kid n’ Hay play a quadruple bill with Michael McDonald, John Tesh and Kenny G. Ah, the Rapture!

Giraffrobats!

Incroyable!

Every time I try to think of the words to describe what is happening in this picture, I begin to weep profusely, and my proboscis leaks all over the keyboard. It really is that amazing.

Clive Gibbon: Urgent Makeover Required

Time to fix up your wardrobe Mr. Gibbon!

Our next makeover candidate was right under my proboscis the whole time! I’m surprised I didn’t sniff him out sooner!

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce Clive Gibbon, Institute Repairman. Frankly I am appalled at the security of this Institute. I mean really! If someone this ill-attired can get past the front door, surely it says something about our standards! I am in the process of inventing a device that detects synthetic fabrics. I dream of having one armed and alarmed at every doorway into this building.

Alas, I am not there yet.

I discovered Clive when I called for someone to unclog the drain in my shower. I was breakfasting when Clive arrived and so was taken by surprise when he emerged from the bathroom.

Obviously I assumed that the hairball had come to life and was hellbent on murder. I drew my pearl-handled pistol and fired willy nilly!

When Clive is finally released from intensive care I will make amends by completely making over his look!

At Home With Bjorn Flugelhorn

Bjorn and Jurmaine kicking back

Ladies and Gentlemen, the first in a series of shots of Bjorn Flugelhorn in his pied a terre in the west wing of Institute Headquarters. The photos, taken by legendary shutterbug Frankenwurtz Lowenstein, are due to appear in next month’s Vogue Living, to coincide with the release of Flugelhorn’s new flick. I love a sneak peek, don’t you?

I must say this particular room has always made me a little uncomfortable. Perhaps it would be better if Bjorn ever got around to clothing his mannequins, rather than simply putting new hats on them.